JACOBS: "The following match is scheduled for one fall … and is tonight’s main event … It is also a TORNADO TAG TEAM MATCH for the NEW ERA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP…. Introducing first…"
(A giant neon-green chicken comes from behind the curtain riding a sled being pulled by eight young men in bondage. He whips them and as he does the tail end of the sleigh comes out hauling … ‘Extremely BiSexual’ Beau Michaels.)
JACOBS: "Hailing from West Hollywood, California … standing six foot one … ‘EXTREMELY BiSEXUAL’ BEAU MICHAELS!"
(Michaels hops off the sled and slaps each man’s ass as he makes his way past his sled pullers. He hops into the ring and waits for the Giant Chicken to disrobe him. Luckily for the fans, he is wearing normal ring gear.)
GHEORGHE: "THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY!"
JIVE: "Beau Michaels hasn’t wrestled in New ERA since he was a special opponent in the … Pole on a Pole match at New ERA’s first pay per view Destrucity! I bet DREDD set this up!"
GHEORGHE: "Beau Michaels is everything that GOP is AGAINST in this world … how will he team with him?"
JIVE: "To retain power."
JACOBS: "Introducing second…."
(CUEUP: ‘The Touch’ by Stan Bush. The lights go dim as DREDD’s logo flashes on the big screen. John Doe, Jonathan Marx and Brandon Jacobs walk out wearing DREDD RAUCOUS shirts laughing as they walk down the isle.)
JACOBS: "They weigh in at a combined weight of 425 pounds … the greates.. what?..."
(Jacobs looks down at the cards and then back up at DREDD whose walking down the ring. They stare at him and he continues..)
JACOBS: "The greatest assembled group of ALL TIME …. ‘Gentleman’ JONATHAN MARX … JOHN DOE ….. DREDD!"
JIVE: "Look at Jacobs showering praise on DREDD."
GHEORGHE: "It looks like DREDD snuck in a few words on Carl Jacobs’ cards …"
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams featuring voice overs by Dick Cheney, Condileeza Rice, and GW Bush. The crowd breaks out in a massive, enormous, ginormous amount of jeers as The Phantom Republican comes through the curtain, a scowl on his face as he begins to power walk to the ring. Jeffords is behind him trying to calm him down.)
GHEORGHE: "Told you GOP wouldn’t be happy with his partner!"
JACOBS: "And finally .. from Conservative Middle America.. he is the CURRENT New ERA of Wrestling WORLD CHAMPION…. THE PHANTOM REPUBLIC…"
(GOP hops into the ring and storms past Jacobs knocking him over as he attack Jonathan Marx. SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: "THE WORLD CHAMPION WASTES NO TIME AS HE LAYS THE FISTS INTO JONATHAN MARX’s FACE!"
JIVE: "Call it a pre-emptive strike, Gheorghe!"
GHEORGHE: "GOP has Marx in the corner as he drives those fists .. but John Doe is now stalking up behind him .. AND DOE WITH A FOREARM TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD STOPS GOP!"
JIVE: "Look at Michaels .. he’s in the opposite corner .. and he’s rubbing up against the turnbuckle pads as he watches!"
GHEORGHE: "John Doe drags the Phantom Republican out from the corner and hits him with a European uppercut causing the World Champ to stumble towards the ropes … Doe follows him and whips him into the ropes… GOP comes back .. AND DOE SENDS HIM UP AND OVER WITH A BACK BODY DROP!"
JIVE: "Jonathan Marx comes out from the corner and lays a rolling knee drop right onto the skull of the Champ."
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx now on top of the World Champion laying into him with fists of his own … and Beau Michaels walks right up behind John Doe and starts looking him up and down!"
JIVE: "I think Doe realizes that something isn’t right…"
GHEORGHE: "Doe slowly turns around .. AND IS STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH BEAU MICHAELS …. AND MICHAELS GIVES HIM A LITTLE KISS!"
GHEORGHE: "AND JOHN DOE ATTACKS THE BiSEXUAL ONE! John Doe with some forearm shots to the face … and he irish whips him right into the corner! Doe follows in .. AND DRIVES THE KNEE INTO THE MIDSECTION! John Doe hooks the head .. and bulldogs Beau Michaels to the mat!"
JIVE: "Beau Michaels trying to throw Doe off his game .. and instead made him more vicious!"
GHEORGHE: "Meanwhile Jonathan Marx has The Phantom Republican up .. and he takes him to the corner … AND STARTS POUNDING HIM HEAD FIRST INTO THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!"
CROWD: "THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE! TEN!"
GHEORGHE: "Marx lets go .. and GOP turns, takes a few steps and fish flops to the mat! Jonathan Marx with a quick cover … ONE … but the World Champion kicks out!"
JIVE: "I don’t care who you are .. you are not going to defeat The Phantom Republican like that."
GHEORGHE: "GOP ended the year plus reign of Jean Rabesque as champion, causing him to leave New ERA .. and now GOP has the toughest defense since winning the championship as he has to make sure that none of the other men in this match get the pinfall."
JIVE: "That’s going to be hard to do when he’s on his back."
GHEORGHE: "John Doe has Beau Michaels locked in a front face lock … but Michaels is slowly moving him back .. every few steps that Doe takes he takes towards the corner.. now Beau Michaels has backed Doe into the corner … and the referee is there to break it up…"
JIVE: "I’m going to cover my eyes…"
GHEORGHE: "The two break…. BUT JONATHAN MARX WAS BEHIND MICHAELS AND GERMAN SUPLEXED HIM TO THE MAT!"
JIVE: "Phew.. I thought Michaels was going to pull some shenanigans.."
GHEORGHE: "John Doe now comes out of the corner and he picks up Beau Michaels … Doe irish whips Michaels into the ropes and he and Marx duck… Michaels on the return .. and he leap frogs over both men .. they stand and turn … DOUBLE CROSS BODY BLOCK ON THE RETURN! ONE ….. TWO ….. AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN RIPS MICHAELS OFF DOE AND MARX!"
JIVE: "Michaels would have won the World Heavyweight championship … and he’s not even a New ERA superstar!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican now grabs Michaels by the hair … AND HE TOSSES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE?!"
JIVE: "I guess he doesn’t want his help."
GHEORGHE: "GOP turns around … AND HE GETS DOUBLE CLOTHESLINED OVER THE TOP ROPE BY DREDD AND LANDS ON TOP OF MICHAELS!"
JIVE: "That’s not fair! You can’t just attack the Phantom Republican like that!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx now kneeling on one knee.. what the hell?"
JIVE: "WATCH OUT!"
GHEORGHE: "JOHN DOE COMES CHARGING... AND CATAPULTS HIMSELF OFF MARX’s KNEE OVER THE TOP ROPE AND ONTO GOP AND BEAU MICHAELS!! All three men are laid out on the outside!"
JIVE: "Doe just FLATTENED GOP and Michaels!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx rolls out of the ring and grabs The Phantom Republican … and now he whips him into the ringpost!"
JIVE: "What is the chicken doing?"
GHEORGHE: "That lime green chicken is walking behind John Doe …. AND HE JUST STUCK HIS …. WING DOWN THE BACK OF DOE’s TIGHTS!"
JIVE: "Doe just yelped like a little girl!"
GHEORGHE: "John Doe turns around and starts wailing at the chicken.. and that’s giving Beau Michaels some much needed breather time."
JIVE: "That Chicken is putting himself in the line of fire for Michaels.. that’s dedication."
GHEORGHE: "Meanwhile Jonathan Marx has brought GOP back into the ring and is working over the leg of the World Champion.. he slammed the knee into the mat a few times and now is resting the leg on the second rope and slamming down with all his weight on it."
JIVE: "Jonathan Marx is the most gifted technical wrestler of our generation .. he knows exactly how to wear down body parts .. and if GOP isn’t careful he may just lose that championship to Marx here tonight!"
GHEORGHE: "Marx grabs the leg of GOP .. and he wraps around … AND LOCKS ON THE FIGURE FOUR!"
JIVE: "Shades of the man who GOP beat for the championship, Gheorghe."
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx has the hold locked in tight as GOP sits up in pain .. and on the outside Beau Michaels is back on his feet!"
JIVE: "Doe is still beating the piss out of the Chicken.."
GHEORGHE: "Beau Michaels is standing behind him with his hand on his chin… thinking?"
JIVE: "Doe is too busy trying to rip the Chicken’s head off.."
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx has the figure four locked in on the ring ….. wait … The Phantom Republican is trying to turn it over… he’s fighting it!"
JIVE: "Beau Michaels .. is taking the harness off one of his … things!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican is rocking back and forth …"
JIVE: "Michaels is coming back around to Doe.."
GHEORGHE: "AND GOP REVERSES THE FIGURE FOUR!! JONATHAN MARX QUICKLY REACHES FOR THE ROPES!"
JIVE: "Michaels grabs the ends of the leather harness… AND NOW HE’s CHOKING JOHN DOE WITH IT!"
GHEORGHE: "The figure four is released and Jonathan Marx and The Phantom Republican are both on the mat in the ring while Beau Michaels is choking John Doe on the outside with a leather harness!"
JIVE: "Someone stop Michaels .. I don’t want to see what he does with unconscious men!"
GHEORGHE: "Doe is fading quickly … and Beau Michaels is .. moaning!"
JIVE: "John Doe is seconds away from being Beau Michaels personal play toy!"
GHEORGHE: "DOE IS OUT! He slumps to the arena floor and Beau Michaels lays on top of him! The referee sees it and slides to the outside ……… ONE ………… TWO ……….. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN JUST FLEW THROUGH THE ROPES AND LANDED ON TOP OF MICHAELS TO BREAK THE PINFALL!"
JIVE: "GOP flung himself .. he didn’t care if he landed on top or over the railing .. as long as he broke up that pinfall attempt."
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx now sliding to the outside … and Brandon Jacobs hands him a chair! Marx coming around the far side of the ring as GOP and Beau Michaels get to their feet .. and GOP JUST NAILED MICHAELS IN THE JAW!"
JIVE: "Marx is going to get a nice swipe at both men in a second.."
GHEORGHE: "Marx turns the corner … RIGHT AS GOP SENDS MICHAELS TOWARDS HIM WITH AN IRISH WHIP ….."
(SFX: Fans pop huge.)
GHEORGHE: "AND MARX NAILS HIM WITH A CHAIR SHOT! Michaels goes down like a sack of potatoes! GOP charges at Marx.."
(SFX: Fans pop huge again!)
GHEORGHE: "AND MARX TAKES DOWN GOP WITH A CHAIR SHOT!"
JIVE: "Jonathan Marx has to take care of business because John Doe is still out!"
GHEORGHE: "Marx over to Doe .. he tries slapping him awake but to no avail… and now Marx is telling Brandon Jacobs to get some water…"
JIVE: "Marx turns his attention back to Phantom Republican, though.. good move by him."
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx rolls the World Champion into the ring … and now he follows him in."
JIVE: "HEY! GIVE THAT BACK! THAT’s MY WATER!"
GHEORGHE: "Brandon Jacobs just took the pitcher of water from our table and he walks over to John Doe … AND POURS THE ENTIRE THING ON HIS FACE …. And Doe wakes!"
JIVE: "That was my water!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx walks over to Phantom Republican … and GOP fighting back with a shot to the gut! GOP with another! Marx doubled over … OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! GOP with a quick cover … ONE …. TWO …. Kickout by Marx! GOP snaps to his feet … and he grabs Marx …. BIG SWEEPING KICKSWING DDT! ONE …… TWO ….. THREE—NOOOOOOOO!"
JIVE: "GOP looks like he’s got some stamina back …"
GHEORGHE: "The World Champion now climbing the ropes …. STAR WARS ARCHING MOONSAULT!!!"
JIVE: "That … was beautifully executed by the Champion!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx is limp as GOP brings him to his feet … he hooks the leg ….. BRIDGING FISHERMAN SUPLEX! ONE ………. TWO ………. THRE—NOOO!! JOHN DOE BROKE IT UP!"
JIVE: "Here comes Michaels!"
GHEORGHE: "Beau Michaels right behind him as John Doe irish whips GOP into the ropes …."
JIVE: "Doe just knocked Michaels down!"
GHEORGHE: "Michaels knocked down as Doe goes against the ropes …. AMNESIA ATTACK!!! GOP IS DOWN!! GOP IS DOWN! ONE ………… TWO …………. THREE!!!"
JIVE: "NOOO!! MICHAELS BROKE IT UP!"
GHEORGHE: "Beau Michaels BARELY making the save!! He grabs John Doe by the hair … FRIEND OF DOROTHY!! Michaels’ hit his patented Wheelbarrow Suplex!!! ONE ………… TWO ………… THREE!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!"
JIVE: "JONATHAN MARX WITH THE SAVE! I can’t believe this! There is too much going on!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx grabs Michaels by the head …. SWINGING NECKBREAKER! AND NOW JONATHAN MARX IS GOING FOR THE MARXISM!"
JIVE: "He’s got it locked!"
GHEORGHE: "If Michaels gives up … Jonathan Marx will be our NEW World Champion!"
JIVE: "Jonathan Marx is really holding on to that STF …. And Beau Michaels is just about to …. BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN BREAKS IT UP! Beau Michaels was thisclose to submitting!"
GHEORGHE: "Phantom Republican and Jonathan Marx trading blows … GOP with a looping right hand .. but Marx ducks! Jonathan Marx grabs GOP by the mask … AND TOSSES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE!"
JIVE: "GOP HELD ON!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx doesn’t see him as he picks Beau Michaels back up … GOP flips himself back into the ring … AND JONATHAN MARX WITH A SPINEBUSTER FLATTENS MICHAELS EVEN FURTHER!"
JIVE: "But GOP is behind Marx!"
GHEORGHE: "Marx with his hands up in the air … AND GOP GRABS HIM BY THE TIGHTS ….. AND HEAVES HIM OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TO THE ARENA FLOOR!!!"
JIVE: "GOP IS GOING TO END IT!"
GHEORGHE: "The World Champion picks up John Doe … AND HE SNAKE EYES HIM! GOP CALLING FOR THE MOAB!!! Phantom Republican picks up John Doe … AND HOISTS HIM OVER HIS HEAD…"
(SFX: Crowd cheers!)
JIVE: "BRANDON JACOBS! NO!! NO!!"
GHEORGHE: "BRANDON JACOBS HOPPED ON THE APRON AND PULLED DOE DOWN …. AND IN THE PROCESS GOP FELL INTO THE ROPES …. AND NOW IS CAUGHT!"
JIVE: "Where’s the Secret Service when you need them?! Someone get GOP OUT!!!"
GHEORGHE: "GOP STRUGGLING … BUT HE CAN’T GET OUT FROM THE ROPES!
JIVE: "MARX IS UP! MARX IS IN THE RING!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx is in the ring … AND HE GRABS BEAU MICHAELS ….. AND NOW HE POINTS AT GOP!"
JIVE: "Look at The Phantom Republican! He is yelling like a madman… like a DEMOCRAT!"
GHEORGHE: "Marx …. Marx …. MARX IS LOCKING THE MARXISM ON BEAU MICHAELS … AND HE’s DOING IT SO HE CAN STARE RIGHT INTO GOP’s EYES!!!"
JIVE: "COME ON!! Where’s the RNC?! Where’s the military!?"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx has the Marxism locked on…………"
(SFX: Bell rings … the crowd goes INSANE.)
JIVE: "WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?!"
GHEORGHE: "Did he …"
JACOBS: "Ladies and gentlemen….. the winners of this match ….. by SUBMISSION ….. JOHN DOE … ‘Gentleman’ JONATHAN MARX ……. DREDD!!!"
GHEORGHE: "HE DID IT!"
JACOBS: "THEREFORE ….. Your NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION …….. ‘GENTLEMAN’ ……….. JONATHAN MARX!"
(SFX: Crowd orgasms.)
GHEORGHE: "HE DID IT! JONATHAN MARX DID IT! HE IS THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!"
GHEORGHE: "Time after time of being so close …. Jonathan Marx is the New ERA World Heavyweight Champion!!"
JIVE: "I think I’m going to be sick … Phantom Republican… I want a recount!!!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx is our NEW champion here in Uniondale …. But he’ll have to defend that championship against the man he won it from tonight at our next pay per view as New ERA of Wrestling presents BattleBRAWL 2 from Madison Square Garden!"
JIVE: "You mean the man he DIDN’T win it from tonight!"
GHEORGHE: "We’ve gotta run!! Thanks for joining us as New ER… I mean, as DREDD presented RAUCOUS! G’night!"
(FADEOUT: As Jonathan Marx and John Doe celebrate in the middle of the ring… GOP, who had since been released from the ropes, stares at him, a scowl across his face, on the rampway.)