(CUEUP: John Williams, "Imperial March." George W. Bush, Condy Rice, Newt Gingrich, Ronald Reagan and other Republicans soundbite over Williams' memorable piece from The Empire Strikes Back. Out first from behind the curtain is Jeffords, hand to his earpiece, looking around and making sure that the coast is clear for his charge to enter. Finally, he waves to the back and out from the back, decked head to toe in a three piece suit, with the NEW World Heavyweight Championship strapped firmly around his waist, walks The Phantom Republican.)
JIVE: "All hail the World's Champion!"
JULIUS: "Fuck him in his right-wing ass. If he had his way, I'd be censored. That shit's lame."
GHEORGHE: "Maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea..."
JULIUS: "Shut your hole, Gheorghe, you pansy."
(GOP strides crisply to the ring, waving to his constituents, all three of them, as he makes his way. Jeffords hops up on the apron and holds the ringropes open for him, and the Masked Menace of Middle America steps into the ring. He grabs a microphone, taps on it and speaks. Phantom Republican looks around at all the tables doubled up in the ring and steps around them.)
GOP: "My fellow Americans!
(The crowd boos lustily.)
GOP: "I stand here before you tonight, Champion of New ERA, on the eve of its landmark second birthday. On this second birthday, I have a wonderful present for the entire company. A present so magnanimous in nature that I shall put philanthropists of the past to shame. Andrew Carnegie will become awed in his grave at the magnitude of my generosity."
(The crowd starts up a "BULLLLL-SHIIIIT! BULLLLL-SHIIIIT!" chant.)
GOP: "Hmph, you... you lousy sack of garbage Democrats! I should just walk out of this arena right now, RIGHT NOW! You liberal mouth-breathers, you wouldn't know greatness if it stood in this ring and demanded that Gorbechev tear down that wall, or told the Taliban that they were either with us or against us. You don't know the half of what's good for you... you ramshackle crowd of hippies and... and Scientologists!"
(Crowd boos HEAVILY!)
GHEORGHE: "Man, that was a low blow. Scientologists?"
JULIUS: "Shut the fuck up, you and that bitch in the ring! Do you wanna get sued?"
GOP: "You people disgust me with your ungratefulness. You don't deserve anything I would give to you. NOTHING AT ALL!"
GOP: "I could offer you a tax cut, but you would complain that it takes money away from your precious art grants and welfare handouts aimed to help Shaheed X. Lazyass cheat the system and get blue-collar America's money for free! I could offer you protection from the terrorists, but you would whine that it didn't give these ragheads their equal rights!"
(The crowd is getting restless at the borderline racism.)
GOP: "Yet, despite the fact that you people deserve nothing more than for the draft to be reinstated and for every single one of you to be shipped out to Afghanistan, I will still give you, and President LaRocque and Vice-President Marceau and the wrestlers and everyone else affiliated with NEW this magnificent birthday gift.
I am giving you, the fans and the staff of NEW... salvation."
(Buzz... what the hell?)
JIVE: "Salvation! Listen to the man! He holds the key!"
GOP: "You see... when New ERA hit its first birthday, this company was represented by that toad who shall not be named, a toad of a man who took his ball and went home instead of staying around to defend honor he doesn't have. We're talking about a man with less character than John Kerry, less integrity than Ted Kennedy and a man with the moral fiber of Bill Clinton, possibly the most unsavory character this company has ever seen. When he was on top of this company, morale was low and morals were even lower. His baseless filibustering was keeping hard-working, honest men like me from getting our work done. He was the largest source of gridlock, and all just to keep his spot at the top. And what happened under his watch? New ERA almost died.
And what about the other lowlife who held this title... Larry Tact."
(Cheers at the mention of the first NEW Champion.)
GOP: "Larry Tact, the man who let the frog take control of the company. When he was the Champion, New ERA was a haven for pedophiles and genetic experiments gone awry. And he was so shamed that he lost the title to that abomination that he went into hiding.
Well, Mr. Tact, I hope you hear this, because after I dispose of Jonathan Marx, I will make you pay for allowing this dark era to even occur. While wrestling bylaws and lack of a conviction from a court of law will prevent me from administering capital punishment, well, I shall give you the most punishment allowed by the laws passed by our great Republican Congress. But since you're too scared, I guess that is punishment enough.
Just do me a favor. If you see Walter Mondale down in whatever hole he's hiding in, say "1984" and see if he wets his pants. I've always wanted to hear if that rumor I heard from Dick Cheney while out quail hunting was true."
GHEORGHE: "Quail hunting with the VP? It's a shame he wasn't the one to get shot in the face."
JIVE: "You will not speak ill of our Republican Champion!"
GHEORGHE: "Oh give it a rest."
GOP: "But now... now I have rescued the New ERA World's Championship! I have saved this title and this company from self-destruction. I have put the stamp of the Republican Party upon the seal of this company. We control the country, and now...
...we control the world!"
GOP: "Now that we control the world, I can continue with my stated mission. Ridding the wrestling industry of its cancers, one malignant tumor at a time. And first, the most malignant of them all, the Communists known as DREDD. Once I take out the head at BattleBRAWL, Jonathan Marx, the world will be that much safer for God-fearing Christians and..."
(The fans pop huge as Jonathan Marx and John Doe start running down the rampway.)
GHEORGHE: "THERE’s MARX!"
GHEORGHE: "Jonathan Marx slides into the ring as the referee stops Doe …. AND MARX AND PHANTOM REPUBLICAN ARE TRADING BLOWS!"
JULIUS: "Marx was just in a hard fought match against Rocko Daymon and he’s out here attacking the World’s Champion?! Is he insane?!"
JIVE: "He’s a communist!"
GHEORGHE: "OH STOP IT, NICK!"
JIVE: "He is! GOP even said so!"
GHEORGHE: "Here come the officials to break these two up .. John Doe better watch out .. he’s got a hellacious match coming up in just a few moments with Chaos for the P©X Title!"
JIVE: "Marx and GOP aren’t so easily separated .. aww, the officials managed to pull them apart!"
GHEORGHE: "Now the referee is telling Marx to head to the back .. and there goes the World Champion as well! Both of these men being forced to the back so that our main event can start."
(The camera fades back to show the scaffold hanging above the ring full of double layered tables. The officials now fill the rest of the ring with tables and the Carl Jacobs brings the microphone to his face as the lineup for the main event comes on screen.)
JACOBS: "The following match is tonight’s MAIN EVENT … and is a SCAFFOLD and TABLES match for the New ERA of Wrestling PRODIGY© CLASSIC XTREME TITLE!!! Introducing first … already at ringside … he stands six foot one and weighs 221 pounds … he is the CURRENT New ERA of Wrestling P©X Champion ………. JOHN DOE!!!"
GHEORGHE: "Doe looks ready to get it on as he climbs up the ladder to the scaffold."
JIVE: "Tonight John Doe has been unstoppable. He managed to trick LaRoque into signing over RAUCOUS next week to DREDD .. and now he’s already on the scaffold before Chaos or Cane could get up there.. all he has to do is knock Chaos off the ladder to win!"
JACOBS: "Introducing his first challenger…"
(CUEUP: ‘Unkind’ by Destrophy … the crowd looks at the curtains but nothing happens.)
JULIUS: "Looks like Cane won’t be making it down here afterall!"
GHEORGHE: "Thanks to Chaos!"
JACOBS: "…. Okay then .. introducing his challenger…"
(CUEUP: ‘You Could Be Mine’ by Guns n’ Roses. The crowd jeers hardcore as Chaos steps through the curtain, a maniacal smile on his face.)
JACOBS: "Hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada … weighing in at 300 pounds and standing seven feet tall .. he is a former Television AND P©X Champion …… CHAOS!"
GHEORGHE: "Wait a minute … CHAOS IS BRINGING TWO CHAIRS WITH HIM AS HE CLIMBS THE LADDER!!"
(Chaos walks over to the ladder and starts climbing, keeping his eyes on Doe the entire way. As soon as he gets to the top the bell rings. SFX: Bell rings.)
BEGINNING: The match began oddly as Chaos invited Doe to sit down with him on one of the two chairs .. with both men sitting in a chair Chaos had Doe hit him square in the face. Doe complied, and then Chaos nailed him right back. The two continued to punch each other in the face for almost three minutes until Doe was busted open from the lip. Chaos waited to be punch in the face, but instead got a boot to the face and was knocked from his chair. Doe grabbed his chair and slammed it over the head of the challenger. Doe raised his chair for another blow but Chaos kicked it out of his hand to the tables below. Chaos then reached up and grabbed Doe … before elbowing him right in the jaw.
SECOND QUARTER: Doe was close to falling from the scaffold into the ring below multiple times as Chaos repeatedly punched him in the face .. Doe held on tight to one of the poles of the scaffold as Chaos went to town, but did almost manage to knock the big man off himself when he ducked underneath the last punch. Chaos turned around and Doe grabbed him bringing him down on the scaffold with a drop toe hold. Doe held on to Chaos for his life after the headlock attempt was blocked and Doe’s lower half dangled over the edge of the scaffold. Doe managed to use Chaos’ tights, giving him a wedgie in the process, as he climbed over the top of Chaos’ prone body back to safety. Doe paused to catch his breath, but Chaos immediately brought him down with a neckbreaker. As Chaos was picking Doe up from the scaffold the crowd went crazy as ‘the Messenger’ Trevor Cane started running down the rampway, bandages and all.
THIRD QUARTER: Chaos paused momentarily as Cane began to ascend the ladder to get onto the scaffold, which enabled Doe to uppercut him right where the sun don’t shine! Chaos doubled over in pain as Doe grabbed his head and DDT’ed him to the scaffold … and right as Doe was about to roll Chaos off the scaffold Trevor Cane jumped up and grabbed him by the arm! Doe and Cane traded blows with one another, and did so until Chaos managed to get back to his feet. Chaos grabbed John Doe … then grabbed Trevor Cane and knocked their heads together. Chaos then tossed Trevor Cane from the scaffold AND THREW HIM down to the ring below!! Cane didn’t hit any tables dead on, but nailed two edges of them and caused four tables to flip over on top of him. The referees were there and aided him out of the ring, back to the medical area. Chaos, meanwhile, turned right into a John Doe superkick and fell to the scaffold in a heap. John Doe tried his hardest to get the big man over in a sharpshooter and eventually succeeded!
END: With nowhere to go and no one to break the hold Chaos was stuck in the sharpshooter for almost FIVE MINUTES! It seemed as if he was going to pass out from the pain, but John Doe released the hold! Doe grabbed the legs of Chaos and then CATAPULTED HIM … and while Doe was trying to catapult him off the scaffold, Chaos hit one of the poles and fell near the edge of the scaffold, but not off. John Doe kicked the living shit out of Chaos and then pointed towards the tables below. Doe grabbed the challenger by the hair and brought him to his feet before bringing him back down with a Russian leg sweep. John Doe brought Chaos back to his feet a second time and was going to drive him to the mat with a Tornado DDT but Chaos threw Doe off and fell to one knee. Doe was quick to his feet and came over for an axehandle to the head, but Chaos pulled something out of his tights and … SPRAYED DOE IN THE EYES! Chaos had lighter fluid in his tights and sprayed Doe blind with it! John Doe immediately fell to the scaffold and grabbed his eyes as Chaos held onto one of the poles and extended himself as far as he could go out over the tables while squeezing the rest of the lighter fluid on top. Chaos then pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit it … AND DROPPED IT ONTO THE TABLES SETTING THEM ABLAZE! Officials immediately started pouring out of the lockerroom with fire extinguishers trying to get rid of the home made bon fire, and on the scaffold Chaos picked up the blinded Doe …. AND PROCEEDED TO CHAOSBOMB HIM OFF THE SCAFFOLD RIGHT THROUGH THE BLAZING TABLES!!
WINNER: Chaos via breaking the tables at 21:39. New P©X Champion!
GHEORGHE: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!! CHAOS JUST JUMPED OFF THE SCAFFOLD AND PUT DOE THROUGH THOSE FLAMING TABLES!"
JIVE: "I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!"
JACOBS: "The winner of this match ….. and NEWWWWWWWWWWW PRODIGY© CLASSIC XTREME CHAMPION ……… CHAOS!
JULIUS: "What the fuck was that! Look at the officials trying to put out John Doe and Chaos!"
GHEORGHE: "What a match! Chaos said he was going to change New ERA and the P©X Title forever … AND BY GOD HE DID!!! WE ARE OUT OF TIME! Thank you everyone for tuning into New ERA’s 2 year anniversary show ….. AND I CAN ONLY DREAM OF WHAT AWAITS CHAOS AS DREDD PRESENTS RAUCOUS NEXT WEEK!!"
(FADEOUT: As New ERA officials cover Chaos and John Doe with oodles and oodles of fire retardant.)