(The camera cuts to the ring where Carl Jacobs stands, holding the microphone, ready to announce the entrances of New ERA’s two freshest stars.)
JACOBS: "The following match is scheduled for one fall and has a thirty minute time limit … INTRODUCING FIRST …."
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams as soundbytes of George W, Dick Cheney and others are superimposed over the music. The Phantom Republican enters through the curtains as red, white and blue confetti fall from the rafters.)
GHEORGHE: "What the hell.."
JIVE: "IT’S LIKE WE’RE AT THE GOP CONVENTION IN NEW YORK!"
JACOBS: "Hailing from Conservative Middle America … he stands six foot five and weighs 257 pounds ……….. THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!"
(The Phantom Republican walks to the ring as the fans jeer him.)
JACOBS: "And his opponent…"
GHEORGHE: "Looks like the fans in Phoenix aren’t very appreciative of the Phantom Republican."
JIVE: "Damn these urbanites!"
(CUEUP: ‘Huck It’ by the Offspring. Jay comes walking down the rampway and signals to the fans as they give him a pop. He hits the ring and rolls underneath the bottom rope.)
JACOBS: "He stands six foot three and weighs 231 pounds …. Hailing from Louisville, Kentucky …. He ….. is …….. JAY!"
(SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: "These two men are going face to face in the middle of the ring … the Phantom Republican walking right into the face of Jay … and he is yelling at him for being a bad American!!"
JIVE: "I heard that Jay bought some French champaigne, German cheese, and even worse, he supports the Democratic party! He’s got links with al-Qaeda!"
GHEORGHE: "NICK! That’s not even funny!"
JIVE: "I thought it was quite witty, myself."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican really lying it into Jay …. AND JAY FINALLY STEPS UP TO THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN AND SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE! The Phantom Republican turns around …. AND HE GOUGES JAY IN THE EYES!"
JIVE: "That’s one way to help clear the speck out."
GHEORGHE: "Oh God .. why, to help him see the light?"
JIVE: "By God, Tom, I think we’re starting to get on the same page… stop it."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican hooking the tights of Jay … and he lifts him up with a vertical suplex. He holds him up in the air for a few seconds … and finally comes crashing down to the mat."
JIVE: "By keeping him up there, he’s letting the blood rush to his head. That way it feels doubly worse when he hits the mat."
GHEORGHE: "Sort of like how GW Bush held America up in the air for a few months … and then proceeded to slam us with the Iraq War … and now we’re feeling a hundred times worse…"
JIVE: "Not at all!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican back to his feet and he is stalking Jay as he gets up .. Jay still holding his eyes as he turns … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN GRABS THE ARM AND TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! The Phantom Republican trying to keep Jay on the mat and if he can do that then I think he may just get his first victory here in New ERA."
JIVE: "Both of these guys are of the technical persuasion… however The Phantom Republican prefers a more powerful touch, whereas Jay is more of a fast-paced technician."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican dropping the elbow on the sternum … but Jay rolls out of the way! The Phantom Republican gets back up … tries for another elbow … BUT JAY ROLLS OUT OF THAT ONE, TOO!"
JIVE: "This isn’t fair one bit! Just like those pesky Democrats … always flip-flopping at the last minute. One minute he’s ready to get hit by the elbow, the next, he’s rolling out of the way."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican holding his elbow now … Jay gets to his feet …. And Jay takes down the Phantom Republican with a snapmare … and now he locks on the chinlock. The Phantom Republican trying to fight it … Jay locks the hands, but now he moves the hands down and applies a headlock on the Phantom Republican."
JIVE: "The Phantom Republican fought it just enough to force the hands of Jay to slip a little. Even on defense, the Phantom Republican is strong."
GHEORGHE: "Jay still has him in the headlock… BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN HOOKS THE SIDE AND SIDE SUPLEXES JAY TO THE MAT…"
JIVE: "What a mo…"
GHEORGHE: "NO! JAY MANAGED TO SLIP OVER IN THE AIR AND HE’s PINNING THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN …. ONE ………… TW—KICKOUT!"
JIVE: "I think the whole Southern United States almost had a collective seizure.."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican now getting to his feet … and Jay is right there to meet him with a knee to the gut … Jay with an irish whip …. The Phantom Republican hits the ropes and comes back … AND JAY WITH A PERFECTLY PLACED STANDING DROPKICK! The Phantom Republican hits the ground and Jay with ANOTHER quick cover …. ONE ……. TWO—NO! Once again, the Phantom Republican kicks out."
JIVE: "It’s hard to keep a Republican down."
GHEORGHE: "I think it’s even harder for a Republican to keep the deficit down."
JIVE: "That was low, Tom, real low."
GHEORGHE: "Jay waits for the Phantom Republican to get up … he’s up .. Jay with a left hook, BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN DUCKS! Phantom Republican with a clothesline attempt … BUT JAY DUCKS …. JAY WITH A SCHOOLBOY ROLLUP!!! ONE ……….. TWO ………. THREE – NO!!! The Phantom Republican just barely kicked out of that attempt!"
JIVE: "Jay caught the Phantom Republican way off guard with that schoolboy."
GHEORGHE: "I won’t even touch that one, Nick."
GHEORGHE: "Both men up now … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN CATCHES JAY AS HE WAS GETTING UP!"
JIVE: "He’s not going to allow Jay to try to get around the system anymore!"
GHEORGHE: "PHANTOM REPUBLICAN HOOKS …. AND TOSSES JAY WITH AN OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX!! The Phantom Republican now picking up Jay ….."
JIVE: "TERROR ALERT GREEN!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican locks on the sleeper … and Jay is trying his damndest to somehow get out of it .. but the Phantom Republican looks like he has it on pretty tight…"
JIVE: "TERROR ALERT YELLOW!"
GHEORGHE: "And the Phantom Republican somehow now dropping Jay to the apron … and he puts on a partial camel clutch with the sleeper hold! Jay is now totally out of the reach of the ropes … and he is dropping fast."
JIVE: "All the Phantom Republican needs to do now is just put him out … then he can dispose of him however he wants! Teddy Kennedy-style if he needs to!"
GHEORGHE: "Jay’s eyes are drooping ….. and I THINK JAY IS OUT! The referee going to check on him … but the Phantom Republican releases the hold …. AND NOW HE IS HEADING UP TOP!"
JIVE: "Could it be …."
GHEORGHE: "STAR WARS!"
JIVE: "Man, you sound dumb when you say that."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican with a breathtaking high arching moonsault and he lands on the ribs of Jay …. The Phantom Republican with the cover now …. ONE …………….. TWO …………………. KICKOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
JIVE: "How the hell did he do that?!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican hits the mat in disgust … and now he picks Jay up ….. The Phantom Republican with a HARD irish whip into the corner …… Jay tumbles out … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN COMES OFF THE ROPES AND NAILS JAY WITH A STIFF CLOTHESLINE!"
(Gheorghe looks at Jive.)
GHEORGHE: "Care to enlighten us…"
JIVE: "Okay, since you know you sound ridiculous ……… DEFICIT RUNNER!!! The Phantom Republican DRIVES Jay to the mat with a vicious looking clothesline there, Tom."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican looking around … and now he’s rolling …. TO THE OUTSIDE?!"
JIVE: "He sees a little kid waving an American flag!!!"
GHEORGHE: "By God … he’s going up to the little kid and asking for the flag!"
JIVE: "I wonder if he’s going to lead us into a roaring rendition of the Star Spangled Banner!"
GHEORGHE: "I think he’d be more inclined to sing God Bless America."
JIVE: "Another fine patriotic tune!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican finally grabs the flag from the little kid … and now the little kid starts crying!! The Phantom Republican rolls back into the ring with the flag and heads over to Jay … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS LYING THE FLAG ON TOP OF JAY!"
JIVE: "Jay is about to become a casualty of war."
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican giving the thumbs up to the covered corpse of Jay …. AND JAY POPS UP AND STUNS THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN WITH A SMALL PACKAGE!!! ONE …………………. TWO ………………………… THREE!!!!"
GHEORGHE: "NOOOOOO! The ref indicating that it was just a two count … but that was like 2.99999, Nick!"
JIVE: "THE REFEREE IS A DEMOCRAT! EVEN WORSE, a COMMUNIST!"
GHEORGHE: "What on Earth is going through your mind when you blurt these things out, Nick?’
GHEORGHE: "Well it shows! The Phantom Republican quickly to his feet … and he tries stomping on Jay …. But Jay is rolling around … Jay finally rolls to the outside .. The Phantom Republican reaches out to get him …. BUT JAY TOSSES THE AMERICAN FLAG INTO THE FACE OF THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN! JAY ROLLS IN THE RING AND IS WAITING FOR THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN TO TURN AROUND!"
JIVE: "Noooo! He is setting up for the Kick Ass Kick!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican pulls the American Flag off of him ………. AND JAY WITH THE KICK ASS KICK!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican DUCKED!!! Jay turns around ….. SNAKE EYES! The Phantom Republican now calling for the end of the match …. He picks up Jay …. Rests him on his shoulder …………. AND DRIVES HIM BACK FIRST INTO THE MAT!!!"
JIVE: "That’s the MAOB!"
GHEORGHE: "Phantom Republican with the cover …………. ONE ……………. TWO …………………. THREE!!!"
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JACOBS: "The winner of this match …………. THE PHANTOM ……. REPBLICAN!"
GHEORGHE: "The Phantom Republican managed to pull this one out … and I’m sure he’s looking forward to his chance at becoming the first ever Battle Brawl Champion …."
JIVE: "As will every other man who is entered into the over the top battle royal …."
GHEORGHE: "We gotta take a commercial break .. but the WOMEN are NEXT!"