("Did My Time" by Korn blares over the PA as the arena goes to black.)
FATORA: "Ladies and gentlemen… our FIRST match for tonight’s WRESTLESTOCK PAY PER VIEW EVENT is a special open challenge match set for one fall! INTRODUCING FIRST… hailing from parts unknown and weighing in 224 pounds… making his EMPIRE PRO WRESTLING DEBUT… PLEASE WELCOME… STALKER!"
(The lights come up and the crowd pops as Stalker steps through the entry-way in his regular street clothes, carrying a garbage can full of weapons in one arm. As he reaches the ring, he begins tossing random weapons into the ring before setting the garbage can to the side.)
NEELY: "My God, the man brings a garbage can full of weapons to the ring… can he be any more of a stereotypical garbage wrestler?"
THOMAS: "Stalker’s no stranger to the ring, but this is his first appearance in front of an EPW crowd. And on a night like WrestleStock, I bet he’s meaning to make a GREAT impression for this crowd!"
NEELY: "Meh… I’m sure he’ll be squashed as most faceless new guys are…
MATTHEWS: "I’m not particularly fond of his kind of wrestling—"garbage" wrestling, as Mike puts it, which isn’t too far from the truth, in my opinion. But I’ll give this guy the benefit of the doubt…"
THOMAS: "This match is run under HIS rules, so he has a chance to show where his strengths lie to this audience…"
NEELY: "But he’s got one hell of an opponent to get through first!"
(Stalker slides into the ring and sits in the corner. As he does, the ring lights go to black again. "Sigillum Diaboli" by H.I.M. plays over the PA, and the crowd EXPLODES as a highlight package of "The Muffin Man" Kin Hiroshi plays over the enormous StockTron hanging over the stage.)
FATORA: "And his opponent… hailing from Tokyo, Japan and weighing in at 235 pounds… he is known as "THE MUFFIN MAN"… HE IS… KIN HIROSHI!!!"
(Hiroshi BOUNDS through the entry-way to a magnificent pyro, signaling ANOTHER massive crowd pop! Playing to the fans, who both love him and hate him, Hiroshi makes his way down the ramp.)
NEELY: "Here he comes… the MUFFIN MAN!! Easily one of the most legendary figures in professional wrestling history!"
THOMAS: "Stalker was the only man to come forward and accent Stalker’s open challenge… and he did it because, allegedly, an Empire Pro Pay Per View event wouldn’t be a spectacle without him!"
MATTHEWS: "Can you sit there and say he’s wrong, Dave? Love him or hate him, Hiroshi knows how to wrangle an audience."
(Hiroshi rolls into the ring and eyes the weapons somewhat smugly as he rises to his feet.)
THOMAS: "These two have had quite a war of words over the weeks preceding the event… and I’m sure both of them are VERY eager to settle the matter of who the better man is!"
NEELY: "I hope Hiroshi kicks his teeth in and makes him run from this arena crying!"
(The referee makes the final checks and cues the bell.)
THOMAS: "The bell rings… and WRESTLESTOCK is OFFICIALLY underway!"
THOMAS: "Looks like Stalker’s starting this off by wielding a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. This guy seems to want to get straight to the point, but Hiroshi is wisely keeping his distance…"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker steps in for a swing… but Hiroshi nimbly circles around to the other side of the ring! He obviously doesn’t want that bat to end up going into his head."
THOMAS: "Being more of a standard professional wrestler, I think it’s safe to say that Hiroshi is out of his element in this match… and he knows it."
NEELY: "Not that any of that’ll matter to the Muffin Man. He’ll find a way…"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker advances with the bat again… but Hiroshi QUICKLY moves around to the far corner, shaking his head to his opponent!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi’s playing keep away until he can think of a strategy…"
(The crowd, growing anxious and ready to see some action, begins to boo and throw trash toward the ring.)
THOMAS: "He’s GOT to do something soon! These fans came to see some ACTION!"
NEELY: "Give the man time, Dave!"
MATTHEWS: "He obviously didn’t expect this "hardcore" freak to come in swinging illegal objects around like any hack of his kind…"
THOMAS: "Now Stalker’s getting frustrated… he steps in for a BIG SWING—but Hiroshi rolls out of the way, and his hands find a KENDO STICK! Stalker spins around and goes for an overhead smash—but Hiroshi brings the Kendo stick up over his head and blocks the attack!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi back on his feet… Stalker goes for another swing, but Hiroshi PARRIES and lands a shot with that Kendo stick across his opponent’s shoulder! Stalker winces in pain, and Hiroshi follows up with a shot across the back! ANOTHER across the back of Stalker’s head puts him to the mat!"
NEELY: "Yep… this one looks like it’s already in the bag. Already, we can see Hiroshi dominating the match."
MATTHEWS: "It’s barely started, Mike."
NEELY: "And it will be over very soon. So much for this "new talent" in Stalker. I guess the guy should go back to the gym and learn how to wrestle…"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi getting behind Stalker, and brings the Kendo stick across his neck to CHOKE HIM—but STALKER COUNTERS by leaning forward and dumping Hiroshi over his shoulder! Stalker takes hold of the Kendo stick and WRESTLES it out of Hiroshi’s hands, and before he can react, BLASTS the Muffin Man over the face with his own weapon!"
NEELY: "Oh, now what the hell is this?!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker follows up with a SECOND while Hiroshi is down! And a THIRD! A FOURTH! My God, this man is relentless!!"
THOMAS: "Now Stalker gets Hiroshi back to his feet… stands at his side and holds the stick over his chest—AND DROPS HIM with a Russian Legsweep using that Kendo stick for leverage!"
(SFX: Crowd cheers!)
MATTHEWS: "Looks like the new guy knows how to wrestle after all! Now he’s tossing the Kendo stick aside and going for a steel chair! He sets it up in the middle of the ring, and now he’s picking Hiroshi up onto his feet…"
THOMAS: "What’s he got planned here? Stalker takes Hiroshi by the arm, and whips him into the ropes… and hits him with a DROP TOE HOLD ONTO THE CHAIR!! MY GOD!!"
MATTHEWS: "There’s a hardcore favorite…"
THOMAS: "Stalker hooks the leg for the cover!
One! Two! NO!! Hiroshi kicks out!"
NEELY: "It’s gonna take more than that to put the Muffin Man down!"
THOMAS: "Stalker back on his feet, and now he picks up the chair and waits for Hiroshi to rise! Hiroshi slowly gets back up with his back to his opponent… Stalker waits for him to turn around, and steps in for a CHAIRSHOT—"
MATTHEWS: "BUT HIROSHI DUCKS!! Stalker spins around—AND HIROSHI CATCHES HIM WITH A HEEL KICK INTO THE CHAIR!! The chair SMASHES Stalker’s face, sending him to the mat!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi back on his feet… runs to the ropes before his opponent can recover… and goes AIRBORNE with a MAGNIFICIENT Asai Moonsault that hits Stalker across the chest!
Hiroshi goes for the quick cover! One! Two! But Stalker kicks out!"
MATTHEWS: "The new guy is still showing strong, in spite of being caught off guard by Hiroshi’s speed."
NEELY: "That’s what makes the Muffin Man superior to most."
THOMAS: "Hiroshi brings Stalker to his feet and hooks him for a Snap Suplex… but Stalker stands his ground and tosses Hiroshi back-first to the mat! Stalker capitalizes with a BOOT to Hiroshi’s chest to keep him on the ground!"
MATTHEWS: "Now he’s going for that garbage can he brought to the ring! Stalker sets it up on the ground… but Hiroshi’s back on his feet using the ropes and waiting for him to turn around!"
THOMAS: "Stalker turns, and Hiroshi comes RUNNING AT HIM—but STALKER catches him with a POWERSLAM into that steel garbage can! He nearly FLATTENED it upon impact!"
NEELY: "This whole "hardcore" thing is ridiculous! Kin Hiroshi is a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER!"
MATTHEWS: "All the same, he agreed to be in this match…"
THOMAS: "Stalker is in control. He picks up the garbage can and sets it standing in the corner! Now he’s lifting Hiroshi off the mat and onto his shoulder… and deposits him into the garbage can! What’s he got going on now?"
MATTHEWS: "I don’t know what he’s thinking, but Hiroshi is immobile while being stuck head-first in that trash can! His legs can be seen coming out of the top, but… wait a minute, Stalker’s moving to the opposite corner! He runs in!"
THOMAS: "LOW DROPKICK FROM STALKER INTO THE STEEL GARBAGE CAN WHILE HIROSHI IS STILL INSIDE OF IT!! MY GOD, that was devastating!"
NEELY: "This is ATROCIOUS!! I can’t stand seeing Hiroshi being ravaged by that bum!"
THOMAS: "Now Stalker is dragging Hiroshi out of that trash can, and he’s going for a Yield sign!"
NEELY: "The Yield sign is SO less cooler than the Stop sign…"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker’s waiting for Hiroshi to get to his feet… and Hiroshi makes it to his knees, looking groggy after that last hit! Stalker steps in with the Yield sign held over head… and brings it CRASHING DOWN onto Kin Hiroshi’s head!"
THOMAS: "MY GOD!! Say what you want about hardcore wrestling, whether you like it or not… this Stalker sure knows how to get down and dirty when he needs to!"
MATTHEWS: "Maybe that can give him the edge against an accomplished professional wrestler like Hiroshi."
NEELY: "Hey hey… NOBODY gets the edge over Hiroshi!"
THOMAS: "Stalker sets the sign down into the middle of the mat, and now he’s bringing Hiroshi to his feet! He brings him toward the sign and sets him up for an EVENFLOW DDT—BUT HIROSHI COUNTERS with a Northern Lights Suplex out of nowhere!"
MATTHEWS: "The Muffin Man saved himself on that one. I don’t think he would have gotten up from a straight DDT on top of that steel sign…"
NEELY: "You doubt the Muffin Man, Dean?"
MATTHEWS: "Dare I?"
THOMAS: "Stalker back on his feet, and finds Hiroshi catching a breather at the ropes… Stalker runs after him, but Hiroshi counters with a BACK BODY DROP that sends his opponent CRASHING down to ringside!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker on his back, dazed, but not too hurt… he gets to his feet and dusts himself off, but Hiroshi, back in the ring, hits the other set of ropes for momentum… and comes GLIDING THROUGH THE AIR OVER THE ROPES WITH A CORKSCREW PLANCHA THAT COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO STALKER!!"
THOMAS: "WHAT an impressive aerial procedure!"
NEELY: "Hiroshi does stuff like THAT out of habit!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi slowly gets back to his feet, and Stalker is lying on the ground dazed. Hiroshi comes up to the ring apron, and now he’s waiting for his opponent to rise. Stalker slowly gets up… turns around, and Hiroshi comes running along the apron and BLASTS him with a Missile Dropkick to the face!!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi is sticking to his guns and keeping Stalker winded with a series of quick and relentless strikes. Now he brings Stalker to his feet, and takes him by the arm. There’s the WHIP—"
THOMAS: "BUT STALKER REVERSES, and sends Hiroshi CRASHING into the steel steps!!"
MATTHEWS: "Apparently, Stalker is going to allow himself to be winded. Hiroshi put on a lot of pressure, but the new guy can handle pain surprisingly well!"
THOMAS: "Now Stalker is in control with Hiroshi stunned… he takes him by the head, and rams him HEAD FIRST into the steel pole at the corner of the ring! Stalker hooks him from behind and NAILS him with a Side Russian Legsweep into the ring apron!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker knows how to use the environment to his advantage… I’ll give him that much."
THOMAS: "Stalker takes Hiroshi by the head and SCRAPES HIS FACE across the edge of the ring! He follows up with a HIP TOSS that puts the Muffin Man on his back! And now he’s reaching under the ring… and he pulls out a pair of light tubes!"
NEELY: "Now who in the HELL was dumb enough to keep those under the ring for that maniac to get to?!"
THOMAS: "Stalker has one in hand, held like a baseball bat, and he patiently waits for Hiroshi to get to his feet. Hiroshi turns around… and OH MY GOD, STALKER JUST NAILED HIM OVER THE FACE WITH THAT FLOURESCENT TUBE LIGHT!! How UNBELIEVABLY brutal!"
MATTHEWS: "And now he’s got another one at his disposal! Stalker props Hiroshi against his knee, and now he’s CHOKING HIM with the other light tube!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi’s in a pretty bad position… I can see by his face that he already seems to be losing consciousness!"
NEELY: "Come on, Hiroshi, this guy is beating you with a LIGHT BULB!!"
THOMAS: "OH WAIT!! Hiroshi’s fighting back! He’s made back onto his feet, but Stalker continues to keep that long light tube pressed up against his neck! But Hiroshi PUSHES HIS WEIGHT FORWARD and dumps Stalker on the floor at his feet… and SMASHES THE LIGHT TUBE OVER HIS HEAD!!"
MATTHEWS: "An eye for an eye, and Hiroshi looks to be in control again! Now he’s picking up an electrical cable used by the camera crew at ringside… and wrapping it around Stalker’s throat! He’s choking the life out of HIM now!!"
NEELY: "THAT’S RIGHT!! Fight fire with fire, Muffin Man!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi’s tying that cable around Stalker’s throat like a noose! Now he gives it some slack… and WHIPS STALKER AROUND FACE-FIRST INTO THE STEEL GUARDRAIL!!"
MATTHEWS: "Looks like Hiroshi can be a little hardcore himself… Hiroshi, now, taking the extra slack from that electric cable and WHIPPING STALKER ACROSS THE BACK!! My God, it’s like being lashed with a LEATHER WHIP!!"
THOMAS: "Stalker’s taking a beating… but he suddenly turns around and CATCHES THE CABLE with his FOREARM—AND DRAGS HIROSHI STRAIGHT INTO A FALLAWAY SLAM OVER THE GUARDRAIL!!"
(SFX: Crowd pop!)
MATTHEWS: "Looks like this match is spilling into the crowd…"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi looks stunned, but he’s back on his feet… and he turns around just in time to see Stalker perched on the guardrail, WHO LEAPS OFF AND NEARLY DECAPITATES HIM WITH A FLYING LARIAT!! And now… I can’t see them, as the fans surround them!"
NEELY: "Somebody get another damn camera crew over there!!"
(We cut to a shot from another camera, revealing security guards pulling back the fans and keeping them at bay. We find Stalker straddled over Kin Hiroshi’s chest, laying into him with a series of heavy rights!)
THOMAS: "And Stalker is back on top and laying in the hurt!"
MATTHEWS: "Now he pulls off and disappears into the audience… where the hell is he going? Hiroshi gets to his hands and knees to catch a breather… but Stalker reappears, and he’s got the POPCORN VENDOR’S TRAY IN HIS HANDS!!"
THOMAS: "OOH!! STALKER BRINGS IT DOWN ON HIROSHI’S BACK, and the tray EXPLODES into popcorn and splinters!"
NEELY: "He didn’t even pay the $2.50 for that popcorn! Granted, neither would I, knowing how the front office overprices everything…"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker is in full control now… he lifts Hiroshi off the floor… hooks him around the waist… and BLASTS HIM WITH A SNAP POWERBOMB ONTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!"
THOMAS: "MY GOD, he could’ve easily BROKEN HIS BACK or SNAPPED HIS NECK with that move!! Stalker falls on top for the cover!
NO!! Hiroshi with the kick-out…"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker’s back on his feet, and bringing Hiroshi up with him… and Stalker lifts him up to his shoulders going for the SAMOAN DROP—but Hiroshi SLIPS DOWN HIS BACK and shoves him away!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi reaches for a nearby fan and rips something out of his hand, as Stalker comes running back… and Hiroshi THROWS—a GIANT FOAM FINGER?!"
(Stalker comes to a stop as the foam finger harmlessly bounces off his face. His momentary surprise, however, gives Hiroshi the opportunity to bolt forward like lightning!)
THOMAS: "KIN HIROSHI WITH A SUPERKICK!! MY GOD, THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!!"
MATTHEWS: "Looks like Hiroshi was just reaching for the first thing his hands could find when he plucked that giant foam finger off the fan… but the momentary distraction was all he needed."
NEELY: "You make it sound like that was just a chance of luck, Dean. That wasn’t luck. That was a calculated plan that Hiroshi pulled off PERFECTLY!!"
MATTHEWS: "Whatever, Mike…"
THOMAS: "Both men have been brawling DEEP into the ringside area… and now Hiroshi, with Stalker’s hair in his hand, is leading his opponent toward one of the entry-way gates. Looks like security has thankfully closed it off from traffic for the safety of the fans…"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi with Stalker by the head… rams him HEAD-FIRST into the brick wall of the entry tunnel! Hiroshi spins him around and measures him up… and proceeds to BLAST HIM WITH A QUICK SERIES OF KICKS TO THE CHEST AND FACE USING HIS RIGHT LEG!! Stalker gets sent to the floor… Dave, how many kicks was that?"
THOMAS: "About eight, Dean. To strike that quick and powerful is quite impressive."
NEELY: "I counted 43. They were just too fast for you guys to see."
THOMAS: "Hiroshi takes Stalker by the arm, and there’s the IRISH WHIP down the tunnel, and Stalker disappears around the corner! Hiroshi goes back to follow and… can we get another camera crew back there or something?"
MATTHEWS: "This match is spilling all over the place, it seems…"
(We cut to a new angle showing Hiroshi coming around the corner, and suddenly Stalker darts into the frame wielding FIRE EXTINGUISHER!)
THOMAS: "AND STALKER JUST LEVELS KIN HIROSHI WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!! Where the HELL did he get that?"
MATTHEWS: "Must’ve pulled it off the wall. I don’t think Hiroshi saw that coming…"
(Stalker brings Hiroshi back off the mat and snapmares him toward a merch display that includes a wooden table bearing stickers and other objects, and a large backdrop displaying different sizes of t-shirts.)
THOMAS: "Both men are now fighting in front of the EPW merchandise table… Stalker brings Kin Hiroshi back off the floor, and DROPS HIM AGAIN with a Scoop Slam! Stalker turns toward the merchandise booth, and reaches down under the table… oh my God, what does he have?"
(SFX: The crowd lets out a collective "EEEWWWW!!" noise.)
NEELY: "THAT’S A BEAU MICHAELS ACTION FIGURE!!! And it’s a two-in-one, if you catch my drift…"
MATTHEWS: "Please tell me Stalker can find some OTHER function for it…"
THOMAS: "And Stalker BLASTS Kin Hiroshi across the face with that Beau Michaels action figure! My God, is that thing VIBRATING?!"
(In disgust, Stalker tosses the action figure aside and reaches under the table again. He picks up an unmarked cardboard box and shakes it near his ear. The jangle of metal can be heard within.)
THOMAS: "Oh no, what does he have now?"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker rips the box open and dumps its contents over the table… and it’s a bunch of EPW PIN BUTTONS!!"
NEELY: "Cheap as hell, but sold at two bucks a pop, no doubt."
THOMAS: "Stalker goes back to Hiroshi and lifts him off the floor… UP ONTO HIS SHOULDERS… AND OH MY GOD, STALKER BRINGS HIM DOWN INTO A REVERSE DDT THROUGH THAT TABLE COVERED IN METAL PIN BUTTONS!!"
(SFX: Crowd POPS!!)
MATTHEWS: "JESUS CHRIST!!"
THOMAS: "Stalker with the cover…
THR—NO!! Hiroshi KICKS OUT AGAIN!!"
NEELY: "Like I said, the Muffin Man can put up with ANYTHING thrown his way… including garbage wrestling."
(Stalker slaps the ground in frustration and picks Hiroshi back off the ground, locking his head under his arm. Hiroshi’s back reveals numerous metal buttons sticking out of it, bearing the "EPW" logo!)
THOMAS: "MY GOD, HIROSHI’S GOT THOSE METAL PINS STUCK IN HIS BACK!!"
MATTHEWS: "At least he’s showing his EPW spirit…"
NEELY: "Shut up, Dean! He’s gonna need TETNUS shots now!!"
THOMAS: "Stalker has Hiroshi ready for a suplex… and LIFTS HIM UP—but HIROSHI stalls his weight, and COMES DOWN BRINGING STALKER INTO A TORNADO DDT INTO A PILE OF CARDBOARD BOXES!!"
(With a moment to himself, Hiroshi angrily pulls the buttons out of his back.)
THOMAS: "Hiroshi back in control… he lifts Stalker out of that pile of boxed merchandise, and… it looks like a t-shirt has lodged itself over Stalker’s head!"
(Hiroshi brings Stalker to his feet, turns him around, and pulls back for a big right hand… and suddenly hesitates when he notices that the shirt pulled over his opponent’s face is one bearing the face of "The Queen of the Ring" Lindsay Troy. The crowd EXPLODES!!)
HIROSHI: "Ah… I can’t destroy something so beautiful."
THOMAS: "AND HIROSHI SETTLES FOR A SIDEKICK TO THE MID-SECTION that knocks Stalker THROUGH the merchandise backdrop!!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi follows after him through the hole in the backdrop… and he meets Stalker rising to his feet. He takes him by the hair, and TOSSES HIM INTO A SET OF DOUBLE-DOORS—and this match spills out into the PARKING LOT area!"
THOMAS: "Looks like they’re going into the loading bay area… can we get another camera back there?"
(CUTTO: A part in the parking lot area where the trucks that normally carry ring and stage equipment are currently parked. We find Hiroshi leading Stalker by the hair toward a trailer.)
THOMAS: "Hiroshi in control, looking to put Stalker’s face into that steel trailer—but STALKER GETS A FOOT UP, and instead, he shoves HIROSHI face-first into the trailer! Stalker quickly bends forward and lifts Hiroshi up for a SAMOAN DROP, AND SLAMS HIM DOWN TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!!"
MATTHEWS: "Things can only get ugly from here on out. Both men have fought their way from the ring to the parking lot… they’re beaten, they’re bruised, and NEITHER is showing signs of weakening!"
NEELY: "LIAR!! Look at how DRAINED Stalker looks…"
MATTHEWS: "Yes, he certainly looks "drained" as he peels Hiroshi off the mat… takes him by the arm… and WHIPS HIM INTO TRACTOR TRAILER!!"
THOMAS: "Stalker keeps hold of the arm, and WHIPS HIROSHI INTO ANOTHER NEARBY TRAILER!! Hiroshi is being bounced between them like a pinball!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker brings him in as they come around the end of a trailer… sets up into a SUPLEX position, and NAILS HIROSHI WITH A SCREWDRIVER INTO THE ASPHALT!!!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi is taking BRUTAL punishment now that Stalker has him in an environment he’s more familiar with…"
NEELY: "That’s bullcrap, Dave. Hiroshi’s just rope-a-doping until this garbage wrestler gives him an opening…"
THOMAS: "Stalker hooks the leg for a cover!
THREE—OH NO, Hiroshi kicks out at the last second!"
MATTHEWS: "That was a close one, Mike… you sure he’s just playing possum?"
NEELY: "Uhh… look, it’s a well-known fact that Hiroshi is just as good a SHOWMAN as he is an athlete! He’s just giving the match a little dramatic flavor. You know, to keep fans from being bored to tears while "Hardcore Hack" does his thing…"
THOMAS: "Stalker has Hiroshi back to his feet and brings him to the back-end of a trailer, where the doors are open! Stalker lifts Hiroshi up and sets him face-up into the bed of the trailer, but leaves his head hanging off the edge!"
MATTHEWS: "What’s he got planned here?"
THOMAS: "Stalker climbs into the trailer… and JUMPS OFF WITH A GUILLOTINE LEG-DROP OVER HIROSHI’S HEAD WHILE IT’S HANGING OUT!! JESUS CHRIST, he could have BROKEN HIS NECK! He could have DECAPITATED him!!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker is in full control… and he sets Hiroshi up again, laying face-up in the trailer with his head hanging out! And now he climbs in, looking for a SECOND leg-drop!"
THOMAS: "And Stalker JUMPS OFF—AND HIROSHI SITS UP JUST IN TIME, causing Stalker to HIT the asphalt, ass-FIRST!"
(SFX: Crowd OOOHS!!)
NEELY: "WOO-HOO!! And that was clever play on words, Dave."
THOMAS: "Stalker reacts in AGONY and painfully gets to his feet… and he turns to the open bed of the trailer JUST IN TIME to see Kin Hiroshi BLAST HIM IN THE FACE WITH A RUNNING DROPKICK FROM INSIDE THE TRAILER!!"
MATTHEWS: "The Muffin Man comes back SWINGING!!"
THOMAS: "Both men rise at the same time… and Hiroshi goes for a standing side-kick—which Stalker CATCHES—and HIROSHI FOLLOWS THROUGH WITH THE ENZIGURI!!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi’s in full control, but DAMN did he take a beating!"
NEELY: "His tank is barely at the halfway point, Dean. Whereas Stalker looks like he’s already out of gas…"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi grabs a handful of Stalker’s hair and drags him to his feet… and now it looks like he’s leading him to a set of doors that lead BACK into the arena!"
MATTHEWS: "The Muffin Man knows he’s out of his element, so he’s taking this fight back to familiar grounds."
THOMAS: "Hiroshi WHIPS Stalker into the doors by the hair… and Stalker falls into the KITCHEN!!"
(Hiroshi enters, quickly followed by the camera crew. We can see the kitchen staff looking to the action in alarm, and they quickly move clear of the brawl.)
MATTHEWS: "Well, so much for "familiar grounds"."
THOMAS: "Looks like Hiroshi will take what he can get… he takes Stalker by the head and DRIVES HIM FACE-FIRST into the row of refrigerators on the near wall! Hiroshi follows up by slipping Stalker’s head under his arm… and delivers a FLOWING REVERSE SUPLEX, dropping Stalker on the PREP TABLE!!"
NEELY: "Time to see what "Iron Chef" Kin Hiroshi can cook up today!"
THOMAS: "There’re already a lot of food ingredients and kitchen ware on the table… and Hiroshi starts off by taking a handful of minced onions and RUBBING IT INTO STALKER’S EYES!!"
NEELY: "That’s just there to add flavor…"
MATTHEWS: "It looks damn painful if you ask me… but now Hiroshi reaches for a PIZZA CUTTER!! MY GOD, HE ROLLS IT ACROSS STALKER’S FACE, DIGGING DEEP INTO HIS FOREHEAD!!"
NEELY: "That’s not blood. It’s spaghetti sauce."
THOMAS: "Hiroshi nabs a pinch of salt… and RUBS IT INTO THE OPEN WOUND!!"
MATTHEWS: "That’s INHUMANE!!"
NEELY: "It gives it FLAVOR, Dean! This is the best Stalker’s EVER looked, I bet!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi goes for the… my God, he just picked up the CHEESE GRATER!!"
MATTHEWS: "JESUS CHRIST, Kin Hiroshi just GRINDS that cheese grater across Stalker’s face!!"
NEELY: "Stalker a la Hiroshi!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi clears off the table… and now he’s climbing up! Oh no, what’s he got planned now?"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi gets Stalker back to his feet… hooks him, and delivers a FISHERMAN SUPLEX OFF OF THE PREP TABLE!!"
NEELY: "This one’s OVER!!"
THOMAS: "The Muffin Man bridges for a cover!
THREE—OH NO, WAIT, STALKER GOT HIS SHOULDER UP!!"
MATTHEWS: "HOW is Stalker still kicking and breathing after all that punishment?"
THOMAS: "I gotta say, I’m really surprised with Stalker’s debut performance! Hiroshi is giving him EVERYTHING that isn’t nailed down, and he’s STILL coming back for more!"
NEELY: "The fool just doesn’t know when to stay down. Doesn’t he know that Hiroshi is practically MAKING his entire EPW CAREER in this single match?"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi is looking frustrated now as he turns and opens a cupboard… and he’s got hold of a ROLLING PIN! He waits patiently as Stalker SLOWLY pushes himself to his feet… and BLASTS HIM OVER THE FACE the minute he’s off his knees! Stalker hits the floor again…"
MATTHEWS: "…and once again, he slowly pushes himself up to his feet! This guy’s got SPIRIT, I’ll give him that much!"
THOMAS: "Now Hiroshi grabs hold of a FRYING PAN!!"
NEELY: "Rather appropriate when dealing with a Looney Toon like Stalker…"
THOMAS: "Stalker slowly back onto his feet… and Hiroshi BLASTS HIM OVER THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THAT FRYING PAN!! And Stalker drops to his knees this time!!"
MATTHEWS: "I’m surprised he didn’t go down! Stalker just looks BEAT but… he STILL pushes himself to his feet!"
THOMAS: "Stalker’s using the counter for support as he slowly inches his way away from Hiroshi… but the Muffin Man has other things in mind, as this time he picks up a CROCK POT!!"
MATTHEWS: "Man, that thing looks heavy… and Hiroshi lifts it up over his head, and DROPS IT OVER STALKER’S BACK!! MY GOD, that looked painful…"
THOMAS: "BUT STALKER’S STILL ON HIS FEET!! He’s just soaking it all up… and eventually, he’s going to snap!"
NEELY: "Not if the Muffin Man has any say in it! Watch, next he’ll grab the kitchen sink!"
THOMAS: "Stalker’s starting to tense up as he gains his second wind… but Hiroshi grabs a hose out of a nearby rinsing sink, and proceeds to wrap it around Stalker’s throat! My God, he’s going to choke the LIFE out of him!"
NEELY: "Serves him right! He should have stayed down when he KNEW it was over!!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker’s light is fading fast… but what’s he reaching for over there on the stovetop? Did somebody leave CHILI on the burner!?"
THOMAS: "Stalker grabs hold of the sauce pan… and TOSSES THAT SCALDING CHILI INTO KIN HIROSHI’S FACE!!"
NEELY: "NO!! CHILI!! The Muffin Man’s ultimate weakness! How did that jobber KNOW?!"
(SFX: Crowd POPS!! Hiroshi releases the hose and turns to the camera, frantically clawing at his face as he ROARS in pain!)
THOMAS: "Doesn’t look like there’s any permanent damage, but Hiroshi is PISSED! He turns around, and Stalker has a cookie sheet—no, a MUFFIN SHEET!! AND STALKER JUST PASTES KIN HIROSHI OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT MUFFIN SHEET!!"
(SFX: Crowd EXPLODES!!)
NEELY: "WHAAAAT?! You can’t hit the MUFFIN MAN with his OWN KITCHEN UTENSIL!!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi is reeling on his feet… and Stalker takes him by the arm, and DUMPS IT INTO THE DEEP FRYER!! JESUS CHRIST, HE’S GOING TO TURN HIS HAND INTO A FRENCH FRY!!"
THOMAS: "Stalker reaches around his head… and RUSSIAN LEGSWEEPS HIM TO THE FLOOR!! Keeps the hold locked in, and brings Hiroshi to his feet… a SECOND RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!!"
MATTHEWS: "Up for a THIRD!! And he HAMMERS Hiroshi with full force on that last one!!"
NEELY: "This… this can’t be HAPPENING! It’s supposed to be OVER by now!"
THOMAS: "Stalker drags Hiroshi over to the oven and opens the door… and sets Hiroshi’s head inside… and PROCEEDS TO SLAM THE DOOR ON HIS HEAD!! ONCE!! TWICE!! THREE TIMES!! FOUR!! MY GOD, HE WON’T STOP!!"
MATTHEWS: "FINALLY, the door BREAKS off… and now Stalker uses it OVER HIROSHI’S BACK!!"
THOMAS: "I’m surprised to see that Stalker is still in this match… and now, beyond ALL belief, he’s once again in full control, taking Kin Hiroshi to his very limit!!"
MATTHEWS: "Now Stalker is getting Hiroshi back onto his feet… and it looks like he’s leading him over to a catering cart! Stalker takes Hiroshi by the neck… lifts him up and CHOKESLAMS HIM ON TOP OF THE CART!!"
THOMAS: "Stalker gets behind the cart and gives it a HARD SHOVE… and it goes rolling into an OPEN SERVICE ELEVATOR!! And Stalker goes lunging in after him just as the doors close!"
NEELY: "DAMNIT!! What the hell is going on in there?!"
MATTHEWS: "Up to the second floor! Come on, camera man! Get your fat ass in gear!"
(The camera, frantically shaking, leads through a door to the side, up a quick flight of stairs, and bursts into the second floor hallway as the elevator doors come sliding open…)
THOMAS: "And the catering cart comes rolling out with Hiroshi and Stalker BRAWLING ON TOP!!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi catches Stalker off guard with a GOUGE TO THE EYE, and knocks him to the floor! Hiroshi comes to his feet on the cart as Stalker slowly rises… and Hiroshi jumps off and catches his opponent with a FLYING LEG LARIAT!!"
NEELY: "FINALLY, my man is fighting back!!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi jumps up onto the cart again, looking for a moonsault… but Stalker kicks the cart out from under him and he goes TOPPLING to the floor!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker brings Hiroshi back onto his feet and puts him up against the wall… and proceeds to lay into his mid-section with a SERIES OF BODY BLOWS!! Hiroshi looks WINDED!!"
THOMAS: "He’s in trouble now, as Stalker takes him by the back of the head and runs him HEAD-FIRST through a set of double doors! What room is this fight spilling into now?"
MATTHEWS: "It’s the VIP room! That’s where the events more esteemed and high-class guests lounge and watch the show."
NEELY: "Oh, what, WE’RE not high-class?! What the hell…"
(The camera follows Stalker into the room where a group of men in suits come to their feet and watch the fight from where they are. Behind them is a big-screen TV showing the exact same image. Two men stand prominently ahead of the crowd.)
THOMAS: "Wait a minute, that’s ELI MANNING from the New York Giants and CHAD PENNINGTON from the New York Jets!! They’re hometown quarterbacks!"
(SFX: TREMENDOUS POP from the crowd!!)
NEELY: "Great… we’re down here with these smelly fans, and those two HACKS are up there in the VIP room!"
MATTHEWS: "And they’re getting a first-hand look at the action between Stalker and Kin Hiroshi! Stalker’s still in command… Stalker takes Hiroshi by the head… twists him around… and DROPS HIM WITH A NECKBREAKER!!"
THOMAS: "I don’t know how much more punishment Hiroshi can take! Stalker is now going for a potted fern in the corner… he lifts it off the floor, and DROPS IT OVER KIN HIROSHI’S BACK AS HE TRIES TO RISE!!"
NEELY: "The Muffin Man HATES nature. I’ll gives this garbage wrestling piece of garbage one thing: He knows his opponent’s weaknesses!"
THOMAS: "Stalker brings Hiroshi back to his feet and leads him toward the crowd of VIP guests, who quickly clear away from the action… now both men enter a clearing between a set of sofas facing the big screen TV, and there’s a coffee table at their feet!"
MATTHEWS: "I think I know where this is going… Stalker is bringing Hiroshi alongside the coffee table… but HIROSHI fires back with a chop across the chest! Another chop! A third—but STALKER PUTS HIM DOWN with a discus elbow to the face!"
THOMAS: "It’s almost as though the man has become numb to pain! Stalker picks Hiroshi up off the floor… and clears off the coffee table!"
NEELY: "Uh-oh, I don’t like where THIS is going!"
THOMAS: "Stalker stands on top and sets Kin Hiroshi up in a leg-scissor headlock… lifts him up, AND DRILLS HIM THROUGH THAT GLASS COFFEE TABLE WITH A CRADLE PILEDRIVER!!! MY GOD, WHAT DEVASTATION!!"
NEELY: "HE CAN’T DO THAT!! Isn’t it against the rules?"
MATTHEWS: "Anything goes in Stalker’s matches, I guess…"
THOMAS: "Stalker drapes the arm over Hiroshi’s chest for the cover……
THREE—OH NO, HIROSHI KICKS OUT!!"
MATTHEWS: "WHERE DOES HE FIND THAT KIND OF STRENGTH?! Stalker damn well nearly gave him a CONCUSSION with that move!!"
NEELY: "The Muffin Man CAN’T BE KILLED, Dean!"
THOMAS: "This match continues even further as both been lay exhausted amid a small crowd of VIP guests, including TWO NFL quarterbacks… and now Stalker is getting himself to his feet, while Kin Hiroshi shows faint signs of life!"
MATTHEWS: "How much longer can either of these individuals go on? I gotta say, I wasn’t expecting much out of this match from the beginning, but man, WHAT A WAY to kick of WrestleSTOCK!"
THOMAS: "You got a point there, Dean. Stalker is back on his feet while Hiroshi is on his knees, and… wait a minute, Stalker just took something out of the hands of New York Giants quarterback ELI MANNING!!"
MATTHEWS: "It was his drink!"
NEELY: "Good. What is Eli, anyway, like… 15 years old? That kid shouldn’t be drinking."
THOMAS: "Stalker turns and sees Hiroshi back on his feet… and drops the drink at Hiroshi’s feet! What is he doing?"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker reaches over to CHAD PENNINGTON and… takes his cigar! And he tosses it to Hiroshi’s feet and—OH MY GOD, HE JUST LIT KIN HIROSHI ON FIRE!!"
(SFX: Crowd GASPS!!)
THOMAS: "Hiroshi jumps out of the POOL OF FIRE at his feet, but his RIGHT LEG is already a BLAZING INFERNO!! My God, somebody put him OUT!!"
NEELY: "That is a BURNT MUFFIN MAN!!"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi is frantically kicking to extinguish that fire, but Hiroshi tries to grab him from behind… and Hiroshi bats him away with an elbow to the face."
THOMAS: "Hiroshi turns around… and delivers a FLAMING ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE FACE OF STALKER!!"
MATTHEWS: "OH MY GOD, IT KNOCKED STALKER BACK HEAD-FIRST INTO THE BIG SCREEN TV!! STALKER’S HEAD just BURIED ITSELF into that big screen!!"
(SFX: Crowd EXPLODES!!!)
(Pandemonium ensues as the TV in the corner sparks and smokes and eventually goes dead. Stalker jerks violently in the process as though being electrocuted. Meanwhile, Chad Pennington thankfully grabs a vase filled with water and douses the flaming leg of Kin Hiroshi. Eli Manning and another VIP pull Stalker from the TV revealing that his face has been blackened but not seriously burned, and the hair on the front of his head has been singed. A team of medics enter the room and split into pairs checking on either man.)
THOMAS: "My God… what chaos…"
MATTHEWS: "Is this match going to be ruled as a No Contest then? Neither man looks capable of continuing. I don’t know the condition of Hiroshi’s leg, but Stalker just looks like he’s been through HELL and back!"
NEELY: "They can’t do a draw! Hiroshi ALWAYS finishes a match!"
THOMAS: " think you’re right, Mike. I believe one of Stalker’s specifications for this match is that there MUST be a victory by pinfall."
NEELY: "You know… I believe the Muffin Man might have out-done Chuck Norris with that roundhouse kick."
MATTHEWS: "WHAT?! You can’t out-do Chuck Norris, no matter WHO you are!"
NEELY: "Yeah, but it wasn’t just ANY roundhouse kick to the face… it was a FLAMING roundhouse kick to the face… THROUGH A TV!!"
THOMAS: "He may have a point, Dean…"
MATTHEWS: "Don’t tell me you buy this crap, Dave!"
(A pair of EMTs brings Hiroshi to his feet near the windows to see if he can stand on it. The other two, meanwhile, shake Stalker until he regains consciousness again. When he awakens, he immediately spots Hiroshi, and…)
THOMAS: "—AND STALKER, OUT OF NOWHERE, BLITZES ACROSS THE ROOM AND TACKLES HIROSHI THROUGH THE WINDOW!!"
(SFX: Crowd POPS!!)
THOMAS: "MY GOD, this match is still going on!! But now it’s spilled outside of the VIP room!"
MATTHEWS: "Where the hell are they? They have to be on the upper deck somewhere…"
(The camera frantically searches the upper deck area for the two combatants.)
NEELY: "Anybody see them?"
THOMAS: "Wait, THERE THEY ARE, near the north end of the arena!"
(The camera catches the action and zooms in, revealing Hiroshi on the run from Stalker!)
THOMAS: "WE’VE GOT ‘EM! And it looks like Stalker has Kin Hiroshi on the run!"
NEELY: "He’s not running from him, Dave! He’s just leading his prey into a trap!"
MATTHEWS: "Must be some trap, as Hiroshi limps away from his opponent in a panic!"
THOMAS: "But STALKER catches up to him and tackles him near the guard rail!"
MATTHEWS: "Good thing that rail is in place, or these guys might fall off that tier and into the seats below…"
THOMAS: "Stalker takes Hiroshi by the head and RAMS HIM straight into that iron guard-rail! And now Stalker beats him further down toward the end of the arena…"
(The camera cuts to another station with a better angle. The two are nearing the section of the arena that hangs right above the StockTron standing above the stage. The extra large-scale screen reveals all of the action happening above in dramatic detail.)
THOMAS: "These two are having an all-out WAR, and it looks like the new guy may finally have Hiroshi on the ropes!"
NEELY: "There ARE no ropes for the Muffin Man, Dave!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker goes for a big right hook, but Hiroshi DUCKS and grabs him from behind… lifts him up and RACKS HIM OVER THE STEEL GUARDRAIL!!"
NEELY: "HA! You see?!"
THOMAS: "Hiroshi takes Stalker in a collar and elbow tie-up… but Stalker brushes him off with a forearm! Stalker takes him by the head… LIFTS HIM UP WITH A VERTICLE SUPLEX and DUMPS HIM on the other side of the guardrail! Both men run a SERIOUS RISK of falling from that elevation!!"
MATTHEWS: "You’re right, Dave. One wrong step and either of these men could fall to their doom to the stage below…"
NEELY: "Hey, I wouldn’t mind seeing this dirty PUNK’S career ending on his EPW debut. It would ensure I’d never see him again…"
THOMAS: "That’s a horrible thing to say, Mike!"
NEELY: "Yeah, but it’s from the heart, and that’s what counts."
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi’s back up and goes for a shot to Stalker—but Stalker BLOCKS and hits him with a jab! Hiroshi reels back and—OH MY, comes teetering at the edge of that elevated platform!!"
(SFX: Crowd GASPS as Hiroshi flails his arms and regains his balance.)
THOMAS: "Hiroshi bites back with a spinning heel kick—but Stalker CATCHES HIS FOOT and sweeps his other leg!! Hiroshi falls, and rolls OFF THE EDGE OF THE UPPER DECK—"
MATTHEWS: "BUT WAIT, Dave! Hiroshi instead rolls down on top of the STOCKTRON!!"
(With everyone in the audience on the edge of their seats, Hiroshi scrambles down on top of the StockTron structure and begins climbing to the edge. Stalker quickly climbs down after him and pursues.)
THOMAS: "It’s a game of CAT AND MOUSE as Kin Hiroshi scrambles to get himself to a lower elevation, and Stalker’s keeping up right behind him!"
NEELY: "Why you gotta make it sound like Hiroshi’s being a COWARD in this, Dave? The man is just keeping this dangerous HACK at bay while he thinks of a plan…"
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi inches his way down the edge of the ‘Tron, and comes to the scaffold at the very bottom of the big screen!"
(Adding dramatic effect, Hiroshi’s own image is blown up behind him by about ten times his regular size. Hiroshi comes to his feet on the 3’ wide scaffold at the base of the screen and tip toes to the other end, grimacing at the stage 20 feet below him.)
THOMAS: "Looks like Kin Hiroshi has run out of room to run! He’s still gotta drop six meters to the stage below… but Stalker’s now climbed down to the scaffold with him!"
MATTHEWS: "Looks like it’s time for the final showdown! Hiroshi takes advantage of the distance across that scaffold, runs at Stalker full speed… and PUTS HIM DOWN with a front-face dropkick!!"
NEELY: "Cornering a dangerous animal only makes him more dangerous!"
THOMAS: "Stalker gets back to his feet… but Hiroshi catches him with a SIDE-KICK to the mid-section, and a KNEELING UPPERCUT that shoots Stalker back and nearly falling off the scaffold!!"
NEELY: "Kin’s just going to give him a little amateur rhinoplasty is all."
MATTHEWS: "Hiroshi takes hold of Stalker and lifts him onto his shoulders for a TORTURE RACK—"
THOMAS: "BUT STALKER SLIDES OFF before Hiroshi could pull off the H.L.B.! Stalker spins him around… boot to the gut… EVENFLOW!!! HE JUST NAILED KIN HIROSHI WITH THE EVENFLOW!!"
MATTHEWS: "After THIS ENTIRE WAR, Stalker has finally sealed the deal! All he needs to do is make the cover!"
THOMAS: "…but it doesn’t look like he’s done yet! He gets Hiroshi back to his feet, and now… oh no, he’s leading him to the edge of the SCAFFOLD!!"
NEELY: "He better not do what I THINK he’s gonna do!!"
MATTHEWS: "I think he IS!! Stalker’s got the back of Hiroshi’s head, and he’s picking up speed to the end of the scaffold!"
THOMAS: "MY GOD, NOT FROM TWENTY FEET ABOVE!! Stalker TOSSES KIN HIROSHI FROM THE STOCKTRON—BUT OH MY GOD, HIROSHI SOMEHOW GRABS THE BOTTOM OF THE SCAFFOLD AND REMAINS HANGING FOR DEAR LIFE TWENTY FEET ABOVE THE STAGE!!"
NEELY: "He’s hanging on by a THREAD!!"
MATTHEWS: "Stalker tries to stomp down on Hiroshi’s hands… and now he kneels down to pry him off the scaffold—but Hiroshi shifts his legs up and they WRAP AROUND STALKER’S HEAD!!"
THOMAS: "OH MY GOD, HIROSHI LEG-SCISSORS STALKER OFF OF THAT SCAFFOLD AND BOTH MEN GO SPRAWLING TO THE STAGE BELOW HIM!! JESUS CHRIST, THE BOTH OF THEM JUST FELL TWENTY FEET ONTO HARD STEEL!!!"
MATTHEWS: "I DON’T BELIEVE IT!! They HAVE to be dead!! Somebody call the paramedics!!"
THOMAS: "WAIT A MINUTE!! Kin Hiroshi’s arm VEEERRRYYY SLOWLY drapes itself over Stalker’s chest… and the referee appears from the entry-way to make the COUNT….
WE HAVE A WINNER!!"
(SFX: Crowd EXPLODES!!)
FATORA: "The winner of this match as a result of pinfall…
"THE MUFFIN MAN"
NEELY: "WOO-HOO!! I KNEW the Muffin Man could do it!!"
THOMAS: "WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE victory for Kin Hiroshi! But I gotta say, quite an IMPRESSIVE debut from Stalker also! Both men put on one hell of a WAR, and I can’t think of a better way to start off WrestleSTOCK!"
MATTHEWS: "You said a mouthful there, Dave."
(On the stage, EMTs and the referee help Hiroshi to his feet, and his arm is lifted victoriously. Stalker is helped to his feet by another team of officials, but almost as soon as he’s risen, he violently shoves them away.)
THOMAS: "My God, HOW IS THAT MAN STILL STANDING ON HIS OWN POWER!!"
(Stalker says something in a threatening manner to the officials, who defensively back away. Stalker limps through the entry-way and disappears.)
MATTHEWS: "Falls twenty feet to the stage and STILL walks out of the arena on his own. Garbage wrestling aside, that guy is one HELL of a contender."
THOMAS: "But the night belongs to the man with his arm held high. "THE MUFFIN MAN" KIN HIROSHI is victorious at WrestleStock!! He put up a hell of a fight against an opponent fighting in his own environment, and managed to not only keep up with him but inevitably out-wit him at his own game!"
MATTHEWS: "We still got more action to come tonight… and I have a really good feeling on where the night is going."
THOMAS: "Let’s take it over to the NEW crew for their first match of the evening!"